


An Exchange of Letters

by My2BrownEyes



Series: Sergeant Loki Friggason [4]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-05
Updated: 2014-01-05
Packaged: 2018-01-07 12:45:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1119980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My2BrownEyes/pseuds/My2BrownEyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Occurs after the events of Thor: The Dark World.<br/>Warning: Contains SPOILERS for the movie and light spoilers for Iron Man 3.</p>
<p>Steve asks Thor to give his letter to Loki</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Loki's Wake

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own any of the characters in this story, nor am I making money off of them.

_Welcome back, Steve. How was London?_

Not what I expected.

_Oh? How so?_

_Did you see Thor?_

Yes. We met at a pub. Apparently he goes there a lot.

_And did you give him the letter?_

Yep, though there really wasn’t a point.

_I thought the point was for him to give it to Loki._

It was, Doc. There’s just one problem. Loki ‘s dead.

_I’m sorry, Steve. I’m so sorry._

Are you? Everyone else I’ve told is giddy with joy.

_I’m sure that’s not true._

It is true. Thor was the only one who seemed to show any sign of sadness.

_Well, who all have you told?_

Fury. Natasha. Clint. A few other people at S.H.I.E.L.D.

_Tony Stark and Bruce Banner?_

No. Not yet. I’ll let S.H.I.E.L.D. do that.

_Why don’t you tell me about the meeting?_

I got there early. He came in, happy to see me. He ordered a beer. I apologized for not being there when the whole alignment thing happened. He told me that it worked out okay so there was nothing to apologize for.

I asked him how he was and why he was back on Earth. He looked sad. He told me he was here for Jane. He loves her. He had just lost his mother. She was killed keeping Jane away from the bad guy. Apparently there was something in Jane that the guy, Maleketh I think he said his name was, wanted. And his mother died fighting him off. Gotta admire that.

I offered my condolences.

He told me Odin had offered him the throne. He declined. He had been away from Jane for too long, didn’t even have a chance to visit her when he was here before. Can’t say I blame him for choosing the girl.

I asked how Dr. Selvig was doing. He was the only one of Thor’s friends I had met. He hasn’t been doing so good. While Thor was telling me about him, I pulled out the letter and had it folded in my hands. Honestly, I probably only got about half of what he was telling me as I worked up the courage to bring up the letter.

He finally took a breath, and in that brief moment I stopped him. “Thor? I didn’t just ask you hear to talk. I need a favor,” I told him.

“Of course,” he said. “Does it have something to do with that paper in your hands?”

“Yes,” I replied as I tried to flatten it out. “Please don’t ask me why, but I need you to give this to your brother Loki.” I slid the envelope across the table to him.

I couldn’t look at him. I just kept looking at the envelope that had ‘LOKI’ written on it in my handwriting.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “This is something I cannot do.”

I looked at him then. “Why not?” I demanded.

His eyes brimmed with tears. “Loki has perished. He died saving my life.”

“What?” That’s all I said. “What?” I felt sick, like I had just been punched in the stomach. And believe me, I know what that feels like. Your breath leaves you. The world wobbles, feels unreal for a moment. You can’t catch your breath. Tears come into your eyes. And all you want to do is collapse onto the floor.

Thor was talking, probably telling me again, but I couldn’t hear him, not until he kept repeating my name. “Steve. Steve. Are you all right?”

“He’s dead?” I managed to get out. “He can’t be. He can’t be.”

He looked at me like my mother used to when I’d come home bruised and bloody. “You are not relieved?”

“Relieved?! I was too late. I’m always too late.” I could feel the tears prick at my eyes, and I hated myself for being so weak.

“I do not understand,” he said. “Too late for what. Steve? Are you all right?”

And then his initial words finally sunk through. “He died saving you?”

Thor looked down in pain. “Yes. A dark elf was about to kill me. Loki stabbed him from behind. Then the elf turned and pulled Loki to him, impaling my brother on the weapon sticking out of his chest.”

I don’t remember what I said, but Thor looked at me in surprise. I could feel the tears coming, and I put my hand over my eyes so I could compose myself.

He thanked me. He thanked me for caring. Apparently everyone else he had told was happy about the news. I decided to risk looking at him, and he was crying but with the most grateful smile. He asked me about the letter.

I pulled it back towards me. “Doesn’t matter now,” I said.

“Please,” he said.

So I told him. Not everything but I told him that I had met Loki a long time ago, that he had been different then. So different that I didn’t recognize him when we met again. “What happened to him?” I asked.

He didn’t know. Well, he knew part of it, had already told us about it before.

_And what was the reason?_

He grew up learning to hate Frost Giants. Then one day he discovered he was one. That would probably screw up anyone.

I’m not sure why, but I asked Thor if he could put the letter on Loki’s grave. That’s when I learned there wasn’t one. He was left on some desolate planet to rot.

_You sound angry._

Yeah? Well what should I sound like?

_I don’t know. What do you think?_

Well, you would say I should sound like I feel. And I feel angry. So I suppose angry is exactly how I should sound.

_Did you sound angry to Thor?_

Yeah, I did.

I know why he left Loki there. He came to save Earth. Can’t blame the guy for that. But someone should have gone back. Someone should have gotten him.

Stupid thing is, even if they had, there still wouldn’t have been a grave. They burn their dead in boats and send them whoosh over the edge of their world.

_I’m sorry. I know it was a big step for you to decide to give that letter to Loki._

It shouldn’t have been.

I wish I would have remembered him sooner.

_Where is the letter now?_

Thor has it. He wants to show it to Odin, to show that someone cared for Loki once…still.

When he asked to do that, I panicked. I couldn’t remember how much I put in there. I told him, “No.”

He asked me, “Why not?” And then he looked at me, stared at me, and I knew he knew. “Oh,” he said then smiled. “Did he know?”

“Back then, yes,” I said. “I don’t think he remembered me this time.” I slid the letter across the table to him. “Read it,” I told him. “If you think Odin will benefit from it, then give it to him.”

He asked me if I was sure. I nodded. “It was one night. Not a lot happened. But it was special to me. I just wanted him to know that,” I said.

Thor put the note in his pocket and said he’d read it later. And that was that.

Actually, it wasn’t. He started telling me about his brother, stories from when they were little. Kinda made me wish I had a brother. Really made me wish I had known Loki better.

_What was Loki like as a child?_

Well they both sounded like handfuls. Loki gravitated more towards his mother, learned his magic from her. He was manipulative, cunning in the way children sometimes are. But from what Thor said, they were inseparable, always had each other’s backs.

I told him more about the Loki I remembered.

It was nice, almost like our own little wake. We toasted him, and Thor told more stories. I’m honestly not sure if I should believe any of them, but they were…very entertaining.

_Such as?_

Sorry, Doc. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

_So what now?_

Now? Thor and I agreed to meet up every three or four months, keep Loki’s memory alive…the good memories.

_And the guilt?_

Oh, it’s still there. Thor told me I shouldn’t feel guilty, of course. He said there was nothing I could have done. Apparently, there was no way I could have gotten Loki to stay. It was his job to keep Thor out of trouble, and more than one day on Earth would be courting disaster.

He was surprised actually that Loki and I didn’t have…you know.

_Sex?_

Yes, sex. 

I told him that was probably because of me. But he said…Oh, what did he say? Uh, something like, “If Loki wished to lie with you, his silver tongue would have had you begging for it. No,” he said. “The fact that Loki did not use you in that way means you were quite special to him.”

Have to admit that made me feel good. It also hurt a little. Bittersweet, you know?

_Yes, I know. I’m proud of you, Steve._

That’s great, Doc, but I’m not doing this to make you proud. I’m doing this so I can keep working. But if you’re proud enough to say I don’t have to come anymore, then, hey, I’ll take it.

_Did you know Tony Stark is having panic attacks?_

I’m not Tony Stark. Tony Stark is not a soldier. I am.

_There are plenty of soldiers who have difficulty adjusting after returning from war._

Yes, I know. I’ve seen it first hand. But Tony had it worse than me. He flew a nuclear bomb into space and almost died.

_You flew bombs into the ocean and did die…or at least hibernated._

That’s different.

_How?_

I was prepared to give my life. We were at war. I had known for a while that that could be the price. Hell, I was carrying a shield with the Red, White, and Blue. If that didn’t make me a target, I don’t know what would.

Tony…Tony didn’t have the luxury of time to get used to the idea.

Aftermath was different, too. When I woke up, the world had changed. When he woke up, only he had. 

_You don’t really believe that, do you? The world had just learned there were aliens. New York was attacked. You don’t think that changed the world?_

Okay, Tony changed more than the world did.

_Do you respect Tony Stark?_

I do now.

_But you didn’t before?_

He was Howard’s kid, so I knew he was smart. And all the stuff I was given to read said he was. But he was wasting his life, his talent. I respected his mind. I didn’t respect him, because he didn’t respect himself. At least that’s how it seemed to me.

_So what changed?_

We went to war together. I saw a different side, saw what wasn’t in the papers. I saw Howard Stark only with something to prove.

_In other words, you go to know him._

Yes. I got to know all of them. Tony, Bruce, Thor, Natasha, and even Clint to a certain extent.

_And you respect them?_

I do.

_Do you respect Loki?_

Yes. He was smart, really smart. Gotta respect that. And it took all of us to defeat him.

_And the Loki from before? Did you respect him?_

Yes.

_And yourself?_

Yes. Is there a point to this?

_Do you respect authority?_

As long as they aren’t being stupid, yes.

_You sound like Director Fury._

Thank you.

I’ll ask again. Is there a point to this?

_There are some people who see you as a potential threat._

I’m sorry to hear that. You can tell those people that as long as they try to live up to the American ideals, they should have nothing to worry about.

_Some would say that’s a lot to ask._

If they think supporting liberty, justice, equality is a lot to ask, then maybe they **should** see me as a threat.

_You won’t make friends with that attitude, Captain._

I’m not here to make friends.

_Good. Directory Fury will be glad to hear that._

I thought you couldn’t tell the Director anything we discuss.

_Not directly, but I can give him my impressions._

And what are your impressions?

_Well, I can’t really discuss that. But I can tell you that I believe you should remain in the field._

Thanks, Doc.

_You’re welcome, Steve. Was there anything else you wanted to talk about today?_

Uh, no. Nope, I ‘m good.

_Okay. Well, how is your journal going?_

Good. It’s mostly sketches. I didn’t think you’d mind. You said it could be anything I wanted.

_I did. Did you bring it with you._

No. Sorry.

_That’s fine. Be sure to bring it next time._

Yeah, okay. I will. Thanks, Doc. See you…next week?

_I don’t know. Do you think you can survive for two whole weeks without talking to me?_

Ooh, that’s gonna be hard, but I think I can manage it.

_Fine. Tell Jack to schedule your next appointment for two weeks from today._

Will do. See ya in two weeks, Doc.


	2. Hello, Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki tells Odin of the letter he received

Your son came to see you today. At first I was concerned. I thought perhaps he had changed his mind and wished to take the throne after all. But no, Thor is too moral for that.

He came to deliver a letter to you. It was addressed to me, but since I’m dead he came to give it to you. And just like Thor, he came all this way and almost didn’t deliver it. I practically had to order him.

It is a personal letter, you see. Written by Captain Steve Rogers. Did Thor tell you about him? An extraordinary man. Midgardian, so you’d probably think him nothing special.

But he is special, Odin. He is one of the most special creatures I have ever met.

What? You don’t believe me?

I assure you, he is most impressive. I daresay even you would approve of him. No doubt you would have preferred taking him as your son rather than me.

He is lucky you didn’t get the chance. You would only have corrupted him as you corrupted everything else you’ve touched.

Oh, but I haven’t told you about the contents of the letter. And I know you’re just dying to hear it.

He remembered. That’s the important thing. He remembered me. I was important to him. I was as important to him as he was to me.

Thor said he teared up when he heard I died. He cried for me just as I cried for him when I heard he was lost.

Ah, I forgot. You don’t know about Captain Rogers and I. Suffice it to say it was one of the best nights of my life.

No! Get your mind out of the gutter, you dirty old man. It wasn’t like that at all. All we did was kiss and talk and hold each other.

I can hear you now, telling me how poorly I did. But you’re wrong. I’m sorry, Odin, but he was too special to treat so basely. I wanted to get to know him, to learn about him and not just his body.

Judge all you like. It isn’t as though Thor hasn’t been with a man…or you. Oh, yes, I know about that. Mother knew about it, too. You thought you were being so sneaky. You were never as powerful nor as wise as your wife. And I am convinced the wrong person died saving Thor’s precious Jane. But we will remedy part of that soon enough, I suppose.

You look so peaceful in your Odinsleep.

I cannot help but wonder how you will react when you wake up to everyone thinking you’re just another dark elf being held captive. I must say, I am very much looking forward to it.

But back to the letter.

It is beautiful. I won’t bore you by reading it to you now. Well, maybe I will.

No. No. You don’t deserve to hear it.

His heart breaks for me, that is all you need to know. And more importantly, he remembered. He grieved. He grieved then. He grieves now.

I long to visit him, to tell him I’m alive, to taste his lips again. But if I do, Thor will learn of it, and everything I’ve worked so hard for will be taken. I can’t allow that. I’ve sacrificed too much.

And yet…

If I could have him, if he could forgive me…

A fool’s wish, I know.

But he feels such guilt, you see. He, who had nothing to do with this, feels far more guilt than you who had everything to do with it. I would ease his suffering. The question is how.

Yes, I could invite him here while pretending to be you. But my affection for him may give me away. Best not to chance it.

I could visit him on Midgard when no one else was around. But if he learns I am alive, he will no doubt tell Thor. I cannot chance that either.

If I could convince him I was a dream or a vision…If I could say my peace to him, that none of it was his fault, that I also remembered, perhaps he could rest.

Perhaps Odin could find my own letter to him written before my untimely death. Would that be enough, do you think?

Shut up! You know nothing of him or of me. We were only on Midgard that day because of your precious son, a son you claim to care for and yet raised to be a selfish twat before banishing him to Midgard.

I will write my own letter to him and have it discovered among Frigga’s things.

But if I could see him again…

How I long to see him again.

I know I don’t deserve him. I do not need you to tell me that.

But he remembered. I was important to him. He still thinks of me.

I would visit him if I did not think Heimdall would become suspicious if you were to disappear for a while. I could try to create the illusion. But with me so far away, I am unsure how well it will hold up.

A letter would be best, I think. But not from me. You didn’t allow me any writing utensils. It will have to come from Frigga. Yes. I told her of us. She could easily have written him for me.

Thank you, Odin. You know, I find you far more helpful and tolerable in your current state than in any other. Perhaps I should keep you like this. You can be my private, living statue. But if you will excuse me, I have a letter to write.


	3. Sincerely, Frigga, Queen of Asgard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letter supposedly written by Frigga to Captain Steve Rogers of Midgard

Captain Steve Rogers,

I am Frigga, Queen of Asgard and mother to Thor. I am writing in the hope that someday soon this letter will find you and that you might agree to come to Asgard to visit my other son, my Loki. (I am hoping he will be allowed visitors by then.)

Loki remembers you fondly, though he does not think you remember him. He met you before when he traveled with his brother to Midgard. He told me all about it, remembered an impressive amount of detail. Were I a betting woman, I would wager that he was a bit in love with you.

That must seem strange considering that you only spent one night together, especially if, as he fears, you do not remember him. Only I do hope you remember him. Loki claims he taught you how to kiss. He said you were an enthusiastic student with much talent.

I wish you could see his face when he speaks of you. It is as though the recent past was erased, as though my loving son were back, before he learned the truth.

It is strange, he expresses no regret about what he has done save where you are concerned. He had thought you dead. He had returned to Midgard to find you, but you were gone, disappeared in a plane over some body of water. This after you had gotten together with your girl. He told me that news made him feel both pleased and heartbroken.

And then he was back on Midgard and saw your face in a file of adversaries.

He said he fought you half hoping, half dreading that you would recognize him. You did not according to him. I have often wondered if things might have been different if you had. I asked him once. He assures me it would not have made a difference except to make his tasks slightly more difficult.

Do you remember him now? Do you remember how he was then? I hope you do. And I hope you will choose to remember him as he was rather than how he is now.

What an old fool I must sound like! Please forgive me.

If you remember Loki, if you remember the night he taught you to kiss, please consider visiting Asgard. Even if you are not allowed to visit his cell, I can at least tell him you were here, you tried.

If you do not remember, well, please know that you are important to him and have given him some of the fondest memories he has ever had. As his mother, I can never thank you enough for that.

Sincerely,  
Frigga  
Queen of Asgard


	4. A Little Late But I'll Take It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor delivers Frigga's letter to Steve

_Thank you for meeting me again so soon, Steve._

Sure thing, Thor. You didn’t have to fly all this way.

_It seemed important. I wanted you to have it._

Have what? What is this?

_A letter my father found among my mother’s things. As you can see, it is addressed to you. I am sure she wished for you to have it._

_I will go and get a drink as you read it._

_…_

_…_

_Well? What does it say?_

He remembered. He remembered me. Thor…

He remembered. He remembered before I did.

_May I?_

Sure.

…

_So there was nothing you could have done. At least you know that now._

Yeah. You’d think that would make me feel better.

_It does not?_

Nope. Makes me sad that he thought I never remembered. He died thinking…he wasn’t special to me.

_Steve, my brother had a difficult time thinking he was special to anyone, even me. He did not think we mourned for him. He…_

_When my time comes and I join him in Valhalla, I will tell him you remembered._

A little late but I’ll take it. Thank you, Thor.

_I hope my brother does not take up all of your thoughts. You have returned to being a warrior?_

Yeah. It’s good to keep busy. Natasha keeps trying to fix me up with people, though.

_She does not know then?_

No one knows, just you…and my therapist. I’d like to keep it that way if that’s okay.

_Of course. I can understand why your feelings for my brother might bring you shame._

No. That’s not…I just don’t think they’d understand is all. I lost a lot of people, Thor. I lost Loki twice. And I guess I just kind of want to keep him to myself. They didn’t know the Loki we did. Heck, I didn’t know the Loki you did. I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through. Losing him twice. Losing your mother. Almost losing Jane. That couldn’t have been easy.

_No. And I know you don’t need to imagine it. And I understand wanting to keep Loki to yourself. They would not believe what a warm soul he used to be._

We know. And the memory of him is one I will cherish forever. And we have each other, right? If either of us need to remember the good in him or talk about him, we just have to call each other.

_I am glad you knew him before he tried to take over Asgard._

Me, too, Thor. Me, too.


End file.
